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Dear Me

16 Apr

Dear Me,

I wanted to start by saying thank you.  Thank you for trying to protect me all these years.  Thank you for building those walls when I wasn’t strong enough to face the world.  Thank you for studying people and watching them so closely, and alerting me every time they did something suspicious that was similar to other times I’d been hurt.  Thank you for tucking me deep down, away from all the pain and the hurt that the world can bring.  Thank you for everything.

But it’s time for me to come out now.  It’s time for me to face the world and feel the sun on my face.  I can’t stay locked inside anymore.  It’s time for me to stop hiding and start healing.  I can’t stay protected forever.  The walls we built have turned into a prison.  I need to be free, to get a few bumps and bruises, because that’s the only way I will grow.  I’m not saying I don’t need you anymore, because I do.  This is all very new to me, and I’ll need a safe place I can come to when I start getting overwhelmed.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the things you’ve done for me, but the things that once helped me are now hurting me.  It’s time for us to come up with a new way of dealing with the outside.  I’m willing to work with you on this, because you have been faithful and strong for me, but you must find it within you to start breaking down some of these walls.

You have been the truest friend I’ve ever had, but it’s time for us to let go of all of the old hurts and realize that hiding away isn’t going to stop the hurt from happening.  Life is going to hurt, but the walls mean there’s no one else around to make it better again.  We are no longer children, and we know that hiding our head beneath the covers only protects us from the monsters that live in the closet, not from the monsters that live in broad daylight.

We can be strong without being distant.  We can love without fear.  Living life waiting for the other shoe to drop hasn’t made us happy, so it’s time for a change.

I know it’s scary, but we can do it.

We have to do it.

It hurts too much not to.

Love,

Me

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As Promised…

6 Apr
Burger & salad.  662 cal.

Burger & salad. 662 cal.

Here’s the pictures of our respective dinners last night.  First, mine.  I had a salad and a burger that was so good I moaned the whole time I was eating it!

What You’re Seeing:

Salad: Green Leaf Lettuce, Iceberg Lettuce, Red Onion, Cucumber, Tomato, Scallions, Feta Cheese & 3 tbsp Lite Zesty Italian dressing.

Burger: 4 oz. 80/20 ground chuck (270 cal.) filled with 25g. Feta cheese (66 cal.) topped with Sargento’s Ultra Thin Provolone (40 cal./slice), Tomato, Lettuce, 2 tbsp. Lite Mayo (50 cal.) on Arnold’s 100% Whole Wheat Flax & Fiber Sandwich Thins (only 100 cal., but with 5 g. each of fiber & protien!).

When I tell you this burger was delicious, I ain’t kiddin’!  I don’t know if it was because for the two previous days, I’d had omelets for breakfast, salads for lunch and stir fry for dinner, or if it was Just. That. Good.

Tonight, I’ll be eating another burger, but this time, I won’t be filling it with Feta, I’ll be topping it with sauteed onions & mushrooms and a slice of Ultra Thin Provolone… and only 1 tbsp of mayo this time, lol.  And a big side of broccoli.  Yum!

His dinner:

Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry w/ 1 c. White Rice - 659 cal.

Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry w/ 1 c. White Rice – 659 cal.

Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry with 1c. white rice, the whole plate of which ran about 659 cal.  He ended up only able to eat about half of it, and took the other half for lunch today.

I’m still terrible about spreading the calories out through the day, unless I plan our meals the night before, as evidenced by our calorie-heavy dinners, but I’m trying.  Hopefully, once I’ve retrained my brain and eyes as to what proper portions are, I will be able to do this by sight, not having to weigh out every single little thing, but until then, this is such a pain, lol.

As a side note, I used to drink about 540 calories A DAY in sweet tea alone, so cutting out the extra sugar/calories and only consuming water (plain water!  No artificial sweeteners in my drinks, thank you.  Blech!  They taste disgusting.) instantly had me drastically reducing my calorie intake.

According to my scale, I’ve lost 9 lbs since Thursday.  I presume most of that is water weight, and my 1-week weigh-in will show a more realistic number.  I can’t find my fabric tape to measure my waist/hips/arms/etc, so I haven’t a clue as to whether I’ve shown any improvement in those areas that aren’t reliant on the scale to show progress.

Jamaica Me Crazy!

5 Apr
Beef Teriyaki Stir Fry w/White Rice - 618 cal.

Beef Teriyaki Stir Fry w/White Rice – 618 cal.

So, my Love and I have decided to go to Jamaica for our first trip.  Passports are on the way!

We have approximately two months before we leave, and my Love has decided that he wants us to try to shed a few pounds between now and then.  Urg.

After much debate, I decided that I didn’t want to go on some diet where I couldn’t have something I wanted, so I decided that we’d just do the eat healthier thing and count calories in addition to working out.  We joined a gym yesterday, which we will go to on the days he doesn’t work.  On the days like today which he works, he walks a bajillion miles (okay, I may be exaggerating, slightly) and I will walk around the neighborhood.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble spreading my calories out through the day like I’m supposed to.  There’s this little voice in my head that keeps whispering ‘Don’t eat that now… it’s early, what if you’re hungry later and have already eaten up all your calories for the day?‘  It’s not that I have a problem with being hungry, I usually feel hungry several times a day when I’m counting calories, it’s just that I want the option to be there to be able to eat more if I am still hungry.  If I haven’t left enough of a ‘calorie-cushion’, I can’t do that.

Continue reading

Great Expectations -or- Your Secret Fantasies Revealed

9 Mar
Are they?

Is it?

Today I ran across this ‘meme’, and it applies to some things I’ve been contemplating lately.  I saved it and was about to post it to my Facebook page, when I had to pause and rethink its message. Are expectations really the root of all heartache?  After a few moments of serious thought, I had to conclude that although the sentiment seems sound on the surface, it is incorrect.  I don’t believe that expectations are the problem.

I believe it is important for us to hold expectations; of ourselves as well as those around us.  It’s been proven that higher expectations net higher results than low or no expectations.  When expectations come as a representation of faith in the potential of people or situations, I believe they are an entirely positive thing.  The problems begin to arise when we allow ourselves to forget that the expectations we hold are nothing more than fantasies we have woven about the future, in order to predict what will make us happy. Continue reading

Who’s Really Pulling Your Strings?

28 Feb

From the instant you become conscious in the morning until the moment you fall asleep, someone or something is in control of you.  The question is, is it you?

Most of us would say that we are the ones who control ourselves, but do we really?

First, let’s define ‘me’.  Is me my person, my physical body?  While some of us may measure or define ourselves by our physical being, we are not, in fact, our physical bodies because if we lose a limb or get an organ transplant or blood transfusion, we are still ourselves.  No matter how the physical costume changes, we are still who we are.

In reality who we are, ‘I’, is composed of our minds.  Our soul, spirit, consciousness… whatever label you want to put on it, our thoughts, emotions and actions create the ‘me’ we all claim as who we are, so when I ask who is in control of you, I am in essence asking you who is in control of your mind.

If you are like most people, your immediate answer would be, ‘I am, of course’.  The reality for almost all of us is, the entire time we are awake we give control of ourselves to everyone and everything around us, without even realizing what we are doing.

We give external stimuli (people, events and situations) control of ourselves mentally as well as verbally without a second thought. Continue reading

I’m Still Alive… and Hopefully for Longer!

16 Jan

Wow.  I guess I should say a big ‘I’m sorry’ to anyone who followed my blog on a regular basis.  I took what I had intended to be a short break, and it turned into a three month hiatus.  My sincerest apologies, because that was not at all intentional.

There have been a few changes in my life since I was last posting, the biggest of which is that I have quit smoking.  My last cigarette was on November 22, 2013 at twelve o’clock, noon.  Since then, I haven’t lit up once.

I will admit, I had a little bit (a lot) of help with this… and if you’ll indulge me, I’ll tell you about it. Continue reading

On Being Raised Racist

30 Sep

This post is possibly inflammatory, and was very difficult to write… please read the commenting guidelines before crafting a reply.  Thank you.

I was raised racist.

That’s a scary thing to admit in this day and age, when merely saying the word ‘racism’ is inviting an emotional firestorm down on your head.

A few days ago, my submission to ‘Project O’ was posted.  In the days leading up to its publication, I began to grow concerned.  I’d answered the questions as openly and honestly as I was able, including things I wasn’t necessarily proud of, namely the fact that I was raised to be a racist. Continue reading

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