Finally Ready to Stop Whining and Do Something

5 Jun

There’s no one in this world who criticizes and hates on me as much as I do, no troll in the blogosphere that could be meaner, nastier, or ruder to me than I am to myself.

Why?  What have I done to me?  What heinous crime did I commit against myself to deserve such maliciousness?  To tell you the truth, I really don’t know.  It must have been awful, because there’s not another person in the world that I would say these things to with the level of venomous, unmitigated malice that I say them with to myself.

Should I blame the media?  If all of their skinny models and airbrushed centerfolds are the source of my malcontent, why do I not despise everyone larger than a size 4?  Why do I not feel the same loathing toward the chubby checkout girl at Target?  Why did I just make the effort to be nice and say ‘chubby’ instead of ‘fat’ to spare the feelings of an imaginary person, when I call myself names that make ‘fat’ seem polite ?

About 8 years ago, I got divorced.  Afterward I started going out partying.  Because I didn’t have much money, I would often bypass eating after about noon so it wouldn’t cost me as much to get drunk that night.  I basically existed on a liquid diet.  I went from around 180, down to about 145.  The loss of 35 pounds is definitely noticeable.  I weighed less than I had since 7th grade, but when I looked in the mirror, I still saw the same fat girl I’d despised, staring right back at me..

Me2008-2013Collage

(Click the image to see the collage full-sized – opens in a new tab)

This is a collage of me at various stages through the last nine years, they basically go in sequence, left to right, by years.  The 2004 photo was what I looked like when I was married (I was somewhere between 180 and 190 in that picture), the 2008 photos are what I looked like when I weighed 145.  The 2010 photos are what I looked like after I got off the alcohol diet and started eating food again, and finally, the 2013 photos I took today, just for this post (and according to the scale, I’m around 175 pounds at the moment, having somehow lost 15 pounds the last month or so, with no idea how it happened).  One thing I want you to note is that in all the photos except the ones I took today, I was sucking in my gut.  I purposefully didn’t suck in for the pictures I took (although it was all I could do to bring myself to actually go through with posting the damn things) because you can’t begin to imagine what I see the mirror if you don’t actually see what I look like.

In 2008, I still saw the same fat girl from 2004 looking back at me in the mirror.  How?  Anyone looking at the two photos side-by-side can see the enormous difference that 35 pounds made.  I mean, in my head I knew I was smaller, that’s not something you can deny when you have to use belts to hold up pants that used to cut off circulation.  But when I looked in the mirror, all I saw were the things that were ugly.  The ‘hairless, loose-skinned kangaroo pouch’ that Katie talked about in her blog entry, how fat my upper arms were, the ‘bra-roll’ that was more like a small bump than a roll anymore, but I couldn’t see the good things.  I couldn’t see the new, shapely waistline, or the fact that I had fingers now,  instead of five sausages growing out of my palm.  I was blind to these things because I couldn’t see past my self-loathing-induced hangovers to see what was in front of my eyes.

I was so tempted to change into something cute, put on the push-up bra, and suck in the gut for the 2013 pictures, but I didn’t.  I even kept on the same ratty, unflattering jeans I put on this morning when I had no idea I would be having my picture taken.  The only changes I made were putting on a bra and exchanging my tent of a t-shirt for a tight one I adore but refuse to wear in public.  God knows I didn’t want to put what I really look like on the internet for all the world to see, but I did it anyway because I swore when I started blogging that I would blog openly and honestly, and that includes how I represent myself to my readers.  I can’t very well blog one day about the fact that I’m fat, then do everything I can the next day to disguise my size.  I’m many things, but a liar I am not.  The only way I could have been any more honest would have been if I’d taken the pictures in a bikini, but since I like you (and don’t want to get sued for mental distress) I kept the bikini in the back of the sock drawer… for now.

I’m tired of being fat, but more than that, I’m tired of hating myself.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the enemy.  I’m not going to start some radical diet or exercise program, but after mysteriously losing those 15 pounds, I think I would like to accept the cosmic jump-start, and pay a little closer attention to what and how much I eat, maybe take a long walk around the neighborhood a few days a week.  Start drinking more water and less sweet tea.

I think that for a beginning, that’s not too bad.  Ever since I regained the weight I’d lost in ’08, I’ve wistfully stared at the box of clothes from that summer, the cute little shorts and tank tops, that one pair of jeans that made my ass look fine as hell, and longed to be able to wear them again.

I don’t care what the number on the scale says.  With my bone structure, past a certain point I just look anorexic, even though the number says I’m at a ‘healthy’ weight.  So instead of a hard and fast number on a scale, I think I will set a goal to be able to fit into that box of trashy, skanky summer clothes that has been hiding on the top shelf of my closet for the past five years.

Hopefully, this time I’ll be journeying toward a healthier  body and mind.

I’d like to thank Katie of  Sass & Balderdash for posting so openly and honestly about her weight-loss journey.  She’s an inspiration to many people, myself included.  While I’m sure I won’t accomplish anything nearly as fast or as impressive as she has, reading the firsthand accounts of her struggle with first losing, and now maintaining the weight, definitely inspired my hesitant venture toward becoming a healthier me.  Plus, she’s damn entertaining and an excellent writer.

~A

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2 Responses to “Finally Ready to Stop Whining and Do Something”

  1. Katie June 5, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    “I couldn’t see the new, shapely waistline, or the fact that I had fingers now, instead of five sausages growing out of my palm.” I died when I read this.

    I weigh 142.8 as of this morning, and today was the first time I’ve weighed myself in a while. The lowest I’ve ever weighed was around 128, but I was really too boney then for my taste. I’ve been doing more toning/strength training things over cardio now, so the 10ish pounds I’ve gained since then made me look a lot healthier. I’ve never been slender, so knowing how much is too much was really touch and go.

    When I first started out, the problem for me was soda, fast food, and portion size. I definitely find since losing weight that negative voice in my head significantly quieter, and I really think that comes with being healthy, not seeing a smaller number on the scale. It’s nice to finish a meal and not spend the rest of the evening ashamed of myself thinking, “why did I eat all of that?”

    Like

    • KraftedKhaos June 5, 2013 at 8:20 am #

      I agree 🙂 Portion size is definitely my downfall. And snackage. And eating regularly. Okay, I’ve got a lot of downfalls. But those are the biggies.

      I’m going to get a decent scale this weekend, the one I have used to belong to my grandmother, and the weight changes depending on where you stand. I lost my good scale in the divorce, lol.

      I think the ‘magic’ weight loss is due in part to the fact my portion sizes have been smaller lately, and because I’ve started making myself drink a glass of water for every glass of sweet tea I drink, cutting out about a half gallon of sweet tea per day from my diet.

      Like

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