Facebook Phonies – I Mock Thee

3 Jun
Day 201 - I'm the Real Betty Boop

(Photo credit: Keenen Brown)

I was surfing the net, looking for something to post about under my ‘interesting’ category, when I ran across something absolutely poleaxed me.  At first, I thought this was fake.  I thought it was just some smart-ass grabbing random photos, doctoring them, then posting to make it appear that the person in the photos was the perpetrator.  Once I reached the bottom of the article, however, I saw the ‘add to this’ section, where people were posting similar pictures, straight off of their friend feed.

Maybe I’m behind the times.  Maybe I’ve finally reached a generational gap that is wide enough to allow me to say ‘Those darned kids’ without getting strange looks, considering I’m only in my early 30’s.  I mean, I’ve never been one to be on the cutting edge.  Obviously.  I started a blog about 10 years after it was the ‘in’ thing to do.  But am I really so far out of the loop that I am the only one who is left totally flummoxed at the lengths to which people will go to appear something they’re not?

If I’m not mistaken, the Facebook page on which you post those tacky pictures of yourself posing as the real-life Betty Boop right next to the toilet with your cell phone is the Facebook page where your family and friends are.  The people who know you, love you, and are willing to overlook the fact that you’re trying to look sexy right next to where you take a crap.  Those are the people you socialize with there, right?

So, why, pray tell, are these (and I can’t even say ‘girls’, because guys are doing it too, and just as poorly) people taking pictures of themselves, uploading them, and photoshopping them to make this or that appear larger or smaller than what it really is?  I mean, if you haven’t recently had some major plastic surgery done, don’t you think that people are going to notice when your ass magically goes from ‘Ally McBeal‘ to ‘Kim Kardashian‘?

Now, I’m no supermodel, and yes, I like to look nice in the pictures I post, so I’ll delete the one that hints at a double-chin, I’ll even crop that unattractive bra-roll out of the right side of the picture if I can manage it without it being too obvious, but to go so far as using the ‘liquify’ and other such mysterious features of the various Photoshopping programs on the market for your Facebook pictures?  That you snapped with a cell phone?  In the bathroom?  I really don’t get it.

Do these people honestly think, even if they did succeed in finding someone on Facebook for a romantic tryst, that their prospective Mr. Right wouldn’t notice the fact that, between his laptop screen and your front door, you managed to lose three cup sizes and give rise to more rolls than the Pillsbury factory?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way bashing anyone’s size, weight, or body type.  I don’t care if you’re Fat Albert or Freddie Prinze Jr., you’re the way God and your eating habits made you, and both me and your momma love you just the way you are.  However, if you put that much effort into misrepresenting yourself to the masses, you can bet your ass that I’m going to give you as hard of a time about it as I can possibly muster.

So when you find yourself tempted to blur a little here, liquify a little there, and otherwise digitally liposuction your pictures just to post them on a social media site, just remember, there’s a whole site dedicated to finding, exposing and ridiculing these Photoshop fakes.  They will find you, and we will laugh.  A lot.

And remember, when you’re in the can taking pictures of yourself ‘droppin’ it like it’s hot’ …  give Photoshop a break and flush before you snap.

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